Something I wrote for my Skit writing class, this was the one I decided to work on for the final assigment. Enjoy!
INT-INside a star trek type starship bridge
We see CAPTIN SMITH sitting in a Captain chair. Around him sits the bridge crew, WESLEY JOHNSON, APRIL SANDERS, and LEROY NATUR. Leroy is standing behind the Captain looked down at a report, he has a very happy smile on his face.
Captain smith
Captain's log stardate. . .well who the hell cares what the date is, I'm booooooord! We've seen nothing. We've done nothing. Our enemies are probably laughing at us right now saying, "ha, ha, ha, we have them on a wild goose chase." I mean, come on, we need something exciting to happen soon or else I'm going to explode!
Leroy walks up to the Captain and hands him a clipboard.
Leroy
Here you go Captain, just some paperwork for you to sign here, and here, and here, and here, and flip the page and sign here, and finally here.
Leroy hands the Captain his clipboard and points to several pages and locations where the Captain needs to sign. Captain Smith gives Leroy the clipboard back.
LEroy
Ahhhhh, is there anything more satisfying than filling out a standard A-8890 form with perfect precision?
Captain Smith and the others simply roll their eyes at the comment.
leroy
Come on guys, aren't you with me on this? You fill out forms all the time.
Captain smith
We fill out forms because you make us. I'm the Captain for Christ's sake and you hover over me for hours giving me forms to fill out or sign or send or whatever.
The rest of the crew nod in agreement and mutter to themselves about how bored they are.
leory
Come on guys, that's not the attitude to have. This is great! I mean, I wouldn't mind filling out an action report but no action can be just as much fun as lots and lots of action.
April
No, that's where you're wrong, this is boring. I'm so bored I've resorted to sleeping with Wesley just so I have something to do at night.
WESLEY
Hey!
April
No offense.
WESLEY
(In a dejected voice)
I thought it was nice.
april
If it makes you feel any better it's normally the best part of my night, you know, if Sex and the planet isn't on.
leroy
Oh, I didn't know you two were an item.
Wesley
(Depressed beyond remorse)
I don't even know if we are.
Leroy
Well, in any case I'll be sure to forward some relationship forms for you to fill out tonight. I'll be expecting them in the morning.
April
Captain! I'm picking something up on the scanners!
Everyone, except for Leroy who starts shuffling through some papers on his console, runs over to April.
Captain smith
What is it? What is it?
Leroy
Captain, you'll need to fill out form C-434 if it's an enemy ship, R-444 if it's something else.
April
Oh, it's just an asteroid. Sorry, nothing exciting.
Everyone meanders back to their stations disappointed. Leroy hands a form over to the Captain who starts to fill it out.
Captain Smith
You know, I don't know why I can't do this electronically, I mean we have all these computers and this technology.
When he's done he hands it back to Leroy. Leroy walks over to a filing cabinet and methodically places the form inside another folder.
Leroy
I know we can do this electronically but there's something to be said about the smell of freshly inked carbon paper.
april
(Very excited)
Captain, someone's hailing us!
Captain Smith
Really? Who?
Everyone runs over to April's station, except for Leroy who grabs a set of papers and places them on the Captain's chair.
leroy
All hails must be followed by filling out form F-3311!
Captain smith
Greeting ship who is hailing us. How can we help you?
Alien ship
Just wanted to say hi, that's all.
Captain smith
Oh, well, um. Hi. You sure there's nothing we can do? I mean, are your engines faulty, do you need any repairs?
Alien ship
Nope, just saw you in the sector, thought I'd say hi. Did you know there's like, nothing going on here?
Captain smith
I know!
The rest of the crew nod their heads in agreement.
Alien ship
Do you know of anything to do?
Captain smith
No. We've resorted to sleeping with people from our own ship to stave the boredom
WESLEY
I don't think that's such a bad idea you know.
Alien ship
Oh, ouch. That bad huh? How long have you been in this sector?
Captain smith
A few months now, we're kind of stuck here.
Alien ship
Geez, I'm really sorry to hear that. So, um, do you want to, I don't know, do something?
Captain Smith
Do you really mean it?
Aliens ship
Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Not much else going on right? Do you have phasers or something?
Captain Smtih
Well yeah, of course! Do you want use to fire at you, or something?
Alien ship
Sure, I mean, if you want.
Captain smith
Yeah, sure.
Leroy
Um, Captain, you can't do that.
Captain Smith
What? Why?
Leroy
We don't have form for that.
Captain smith
We don't have a form for firing out phasers? Of course we do, I used to do it all the time!
Leroy
No, we don't have a form for firing a phaser just for fun.
Alien ship
So, are we going to do this or not?
Captain Smith
No, we can't. Mister Form over there won't let us.
Alien ship
Aren't you the Captain?
Captain Smith.
I sometimes wonder.
Alien ship
Well, look if we're not going to do this I think I'll just go.
Captain smith
No, don't go, we can. . . um, chase each other the asteroid belt or something.
Leroy
No, you can't, not without permission from home base and defined threat, plus form R-1223
Alien ship
Yeah, I think we're going to go now.
Captain smith
Do you really need to go? I mean, can't we just hang or something? It would mean a lot to us.
Alien ship
Well, maybe some other time. Good luck with that whole sleeping with each other thing.
Wesley
Thanks!
April
They just warped out, we're all alone again.
The entire crew sighs and slowly walk back to their stations. The Captain sees the paperwork on his chair, grabs it and fills it out while Leroy hovers over him, waiting anxiously for it. He takes it and walks over to the filing cabinet, whistling a happy tune as he files it away.
leroy
Okay guys, we all need to fill out a report on that encounter so-
He walks over to everyone's consol and gives them all some papers to fill out.
Captain smith
Does anyone have anything we can do besides filling out form?
Wesely
Well, I have a hologram of me and April from the other night.
APril
Hey!
Captain smith
All right, now we're talking! Come on, let's go check it out!
The two walk to the door and are quickly stopped by Leroy holding a clipboard.
leroy
Don't forget to sign out!
The two sign out and leave.
April
I can't believe he'd show the Captain that. Ah, who I'm kidding.
She stands, walks over to Leroy and signs the sign-out sheet.
April
Hey guys, wait up!
Alone, Leroy walks up to the Captain's chair and sits down. He plays with the controls for a few seconds then reaches over to grab another clipboard. He looks at a light in front of him that's blinking. He presses it.
Leroy
Hello?
Alien ship
Hey, it's us again.
Leroy
Oh, well hi, how can I help you?
alien ship
Uh, well, we got to thinking and we kind of felt bad for leaving you so, we thought we'd come back.
leroy
Well, thanks. The rest of the crew left.
alien ship
Hey, that's cool. Maybe we can, you know, do something.
leroy
Give me some time, I can fill out a report on-
alien ship
You don't need a report, do you? Can't you just like, come over or something?
leroy
Don't you guys like paperwork?
alien ship
Naw, we don't believe in paperwork.
Leroy
Oh, that's interesting. Can you give me a few seconds?
alien ship
Sure, take your time.
Leroy works on the controls for a few seconds.
alien ship
Are you shooting at us?!
Leroy
Sorry, can't be around aliens who don't believe in paperwork. It could set a bad precedent for the federation.
alien ship
But! But! AHHHHH!!!
leroy
Well, looks like I've got a lot of paperwork to fill out now.
(giddy voice)
Oh goody!!